How failure (and SISU) can shape your life, your work, and help you understand what healthy determination really means.
Every one of us has “failed” in some way. The best athletes mis-hit balls, drop passes, and get beaten. They would tell you, and I agree, that we learn more from our failures than from our successes (and I have learned a lot over the years!)
Today, October 13th, is the Finnish Day of Failure. The Finns picked this day to pause and “celebrate” their failures. I really like their idea. Failure is not an option, it’s inevitable. So, let’s make the most of it, and learn as much as we can about how to get better and improve.
I’ll get us started by sharing two of my biggest failures with you. These two dramatic events taught me more about myself than any success ever could.
The First Epic Fail: Burnout (the darkside of SISU; self-inflicting failure)
At 37, I passed out in a bathroom at work.
This was not a “quiet” event. I didn’t just pass out, I made a bloody scene (I’m not British so I’m talking about real blood here). I fell like a bag of rocks. The front of my face bounced off of the urinal valve and the back of my head broke my fall as it hit the tile. Semi-conscious, I remember the “popping” sound my skull made as it suddenly stopped.
I was diaphoretic (sweating through my clothes) and there was blood all over me and the bathroom floor from the two, newly formed holes in my head (the front gash required seven stitches and the back one, seventeen). There was a guy behind me who heard the thump, as he exited his stall. Upon seeing me laying there (bleeding, sweaty and dazed) he asked me, what seemed at the time, a polite and appropriate question, “Are you okay?” My answer, of course, was “Yes”.
Obviously, I was not “okay”, but SISU kicks in at times like these and I was full of it. My brain told me that my next task was to grab my stuff, go to my office and get back to work. So, I went to gather my gear, it was then that I noticed what a mess I had made. The blood on my hands confused me at first, as I reached for my calendar and yellow pad. My head was starting to hurt a little and the streaming blood started to tickle as it flowed across my face and down the back of my neck. There was a pool of it on the floor behind me and the motion of my revival had left a trail.
It was now a “crime scene” and I wanted to get it cleaned up. As I pondered how, the site response team showed up, led by the guy who witnessed the event (that “traitor” turned me in and made it impossible for me to hide from what just happened). The medical team duct taped me to a backboard and put me into an ambulance for a 30-minute ride to the cardiac ward, where I spent the next three days asking, “What did just happen to me?”
The diagnosis was acute exhaustion and stress-induced syncope. My body had literally shut me down because I wouldn’t stop. Since self-reflection was not my strong suit, I was struggling. Up until this moment, I had been pretty “indestructible”. SISU (and my disciplined application of it) was my “superpower” during tough and challenging times. Upon reflection, it had given me permission to ignore the “yellow lights” and push through the stress, long hours, sleep deprivation, and personal demands.
SISU has its value, but a syncopal event helped me see that it also has a dark side. Many of you can relate to my story in some way. Some of you are ignoring the “yellow lights”. You have SISU (a determined and focused drive to push through and achieve) but beware. Every person has their limits, even you. It would be better if you could make the necessary work and life adjustments without a major life event or failure to compel you. I crashed into my limits and it was messy.
It doesn’t have to be that way for you. My major life failure #1 was self-inflicted and SISU was to blame. It will not happen again. My scars (scars are cool, right?) are like service stripes and remind me that I have permission, now, to manage stress better and find better balance in life. So do you.
The Second Big Failure: The “D” Word (SISU does help us work through tough times)
Major life failure #2 happened at 56, when I signed my divorce papers (after 32 years of marriage). We were supposed to be married forever, at least that was the plan and my promise.
We made it a rule to never talk about divorce (we called it the “d” word). We got married very young by today’s standards and our early years were full of good times and laughter. Two kids came along and life became a bit more complicated: a house, a second car, a move across country, summer vacations, lots of incidental expenses and bills. The financial demands kept growing. So, my career ambitions had to keep up.
What was once pretty simple became more complex. Trade-offs became more frequent, choosing work over time together. We had bills to pay and financial goals, so I thought I had permission. I started using “someday” language. Conversations included phrases like, “someday we will have the house paid off and I can back off…” or “someday I will be the boss and I won’t need to work this many hours.” I focused on my role of “provider” and she focused on being the “nurturer”. We were dividing and conquering as parents.
The tapestry of our life together was beginning to fray at the edges. I was too busy to notice. We still had a common purpose (the kids) and I believed I was making the right sacrifices. Then, before I knew it, the boys graduated and moved out. It was just the two of us again. “Someday” was here, but we weren’t ready for it. I just wasn’t equipped to provide the emotional support she needed. I had spent a lifetime leaning on her to manage that for the both of us. In hindsight, it was too much to ask of her (and me). It took a couple of unhealthy and unhappy years before I was single again (her choice, not mine, no shenanigans, she was just done).
My life was bleak for a while (freshly divorced, hobbled by a botched knee replacement, unemployed due to covid, alone, and without a home). I should have spiraled into depression (based upon the social science), but this time I was wielding SISU properly.
Counseling helped me look backward so I could move forward. I leaned into optimism, looked beyond my circumstances to a better future, established some healthy, short term goals, and took good care of myself (eating right and exercising, everyday). In a very real way, my divorce made me a healthier person. I am more emotionally intelligent and regulated and in better shape than when I was married. It was a very difficult and painful few years. SISU got me through it. It took the form of an unrelenting, positive determination to work through the disappointment and improve myself. When you know how to use SISU, failure is not an option, it is fuel for improvement.
What I Learned From Failing BIG, Twice.
These weren’t just personal and professional setbacks. They were identity-shaking, life-redefining failures that forced me to confront who I am, how I live (with SISU at my core), and what I value. Here’s what I’ve learned:
1. Success means nothing if you hurt yourself (and others) in the process.
I thought achievement equaled worth. But the cost of that kind of achievement was my health and my marriage. Real success (includes balance) and isn’t just about what you are doing, but who you are while doing it. If the cost of your achievement is sleepless anxiety, emotional disconnection, and/or disease, then it’s not worth it longterm. Healthy SISU will help you push through these symptoms in the short term, but gives you permission to assess whether these symptoms are evidence of impending “failure” and will help you make changes.
2. You can’t “outwork” emotional needs, even the stoics paid attention to their mental health.
Work gave me structure, validation, and a sense of control. Emotions? Not so much. I avoided feelings and difficult conversations, and it created an incubator for stress. In hindsight, I see how emotional avoidance was as much a contributor to my failures as overwork was. Emotional intelligence isn’t soft, it’s a requirement of leadership. It is easy to see how SISU can help you work harder, but the same determination and optimism should be applied to finding solutions for your emotional health and for nurturing great relationships with the people that matter most to you.
3. It’s never too late to get better and be better.
My failures left me disoriented, but not without hope (I was full of SISU, afterall). They forced me to ask some hard questions, though: Who am I without my job? What kind of partner, father, or friend am I, and what kind do I want to be? What does balance look like right now (not someday)? How am I doing emotionally and physically (are there any yellow flags waving)? It took time and some painful epiphanies to rebuild my identity and my life. I’m still a work in progress (and always will be), but I’m not done getting better.
Moving Forward (with SISU)
I have shared two of my epic fails with you, with the hope that it will encourage you to acknowledge your own. It’s really uncomfortable, but it’s also where transformation happens. Failure is just the fuel for success: the bigger it is, the more you can learn.
If you’re in the middle of your own “big fail”, whether professional or personal, know this: You will get through it (SISU helps, stay positive and determined). You will learn something (we learn more from failing than from succeeding). You can be better after the failure (if you don’t waste the opportunity). I don’t wish my failures on anyone. But I also wouldn’t trade them. They made me a better person. So, this October 13th, the Finnish Day of Failure, is a great day to learn from your mistakes. Start making some changes for the better, today.