“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” – Nietzsche
Balance is tough to describe. It is constantly being threatened. We never seem to completely attain it. It is different for everybody. So, it’s no wonder that we struggle to find it. Where balance has been elusive for me, SISU has been ever present (Want to know what SISU is? Read my blog all about it). SISU is the opposite of balance. It feeds on the extreme. It thrives on relentless focus, intense self-discipline and painful sacrifice. Where balance involves adjustments, trade-offs, and prioritizing, SISU is binary, it’s on or off. I know how to grab hold of SISU. Finding balance has always been harder.
“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.”- Nietzsche
When you look to the “thought leaders” (and there are many out there), the most extreme seem to get the greatest amount of attention. These “all in” influencers encourage you to stay focused, and push yourself to get stronger and achieve more. They present their ideas as the model for achievement and it is compelling. Their common message seems to be, that success only comes with immense sacrifice, focus and discipline. There is very little talk about “balance” in the realm of the highly “successful”. It is presented as a binary choice, a simple choice; yes or no; do or do not (thanks Yoda).
The “all or nothing” mindset doesn’t require deliberation or balance. So, it’s easy. Maybe that is why we are drawn to it. We have a sense of control over it: never drink alcohol, (so we don’t feel guilty or depressed after having a drink); always work out, (so we feel fit); never eat meat, (so we can have a healthy heart and gut).
At the “always and never” extremes, your decision-making is simpler, yes, but your life becomes more difficult. Plus, the “all or nothing” choice is usually “nothing”. You do have more control, but it usually requires a lot of sacrifice. This is the place where SISU lives. So, you won’t learn how to find balance by listening to the voices of the thought leaders.
I’m reminded of the documentary Breaking 10. The focus of the protagonist was “I am going to break 10 hours for the triathlon.” He dedicated his life to this goal. Trained, ate, slept and lived to achieve it. He modified his life to break 10-hours. His job suffered. His relationships suffered. There wasn’t any balance, just focus for months and months. He chose not to face the emotional turmoil he created around himself, because he was focused on his goal.
His mindset was, “If I’m going to achieve this goal, I can’t think about my relationships, my job, my “real” life, right now. I will re-invest in those other things after I break 10 hours.” It was easier to use his goal as an excuse to stay focused on it rather than look for a way to balance the other important things in his life. Fast forward, he didn’t achieve a sub, 10-hour triathalon result. He got hurt during the run and “failed”. He sacrificed so much for an “almost’.
Sadly, in the process, he lost his job, his girlfriend broke up with him and his body broke down because of his “all or nothing” lifestyle. Heartbreaking, but it got me thinking. Living in the extreme is inspiring to those watching, but seems to come with a lot of regret for those living it. He gave himself a very difficult goal and SISU got him through it, for sure. But, could he have achieved his goal AND maintained balance?
“Enjoy life. This is not a dress rehearsal.” – Nietzsche
What is “balance? Like SISU, there really isn’t a simple way to describe it. So, I’d like to use an analogy; walking. We don’t think much about balance when we are walking down the street, we just do it; we stay upright and move forward. We might decide to carry a backpack on our walk, when we do, the walk is more difficult and our balance changes, but, again, we don’t think much about it. If the wind starts to blow hard during our walk, we must constantly adjust our balance to stay on course, but we keep going without thought. If we aren’t looking, we might stumble on a curb, so we need to gather ourselves to re-establish our balance or we fall. When we are walking our balance changes from moment to moment, but we don’t think about it much.
Unless… we get so out of balance that we notice, and need to do something about it. Just like life.
Now, using the same analogy, think about WHY we are walking? Are we trying to get somewhere or just out for a stroll? Our focus and intensity will be different depending upon our purpose. If we are trying to hike to the top of a mountain, we need to have a plan, train a bit, carry a pack, adapt to the terrain, and pace ourselves. We still need to walk to get there. All of the unconscious balancing still applies, but now we can anticipate many of the obstacles.
With the goal of reaching the top, we can be more mindful of the effort and can prepare to keep our balance on the journey. Then there are the unexpected things that come up during the hike that we need to adapt to (a change in weather, an injury, a conflict with another hiker).
Our goal was to reach the summit, but the obstacles throw us off “balance”. They require us to decide whether our goal is still more important than the “cost” of overcoming the obstacle. If it is, we re-establish some balance and push through to get to the top (SISU swoops in, here). If it’s not worth our effort (or the obstacle is just too big), we still must establish balance but we might need to rest before proceeding, or turnaround and hike back down, or abandon the hike all together and call for help (maybe get an airlift off the mountain). Balance must be maintained.
The epiphany is that balance isn’t something that we find. It is our natural state. Being out of balance is what’s unnatural. Why is it so hard? The answer lies at the intersection of choices and circumstances. Our choices are within our control and we can plan for them. Many people follow the thought leaders and choose to establish difficult goals for themselves (lose 50 pounds, pay off college, break 10 hours in a triathlon, climb a mountain). With proper planning, it is possible to maintain a sense of balance while achieving these hard things. But if we decide to attempt something difficult and don’t consider the trade-offs, we find ourselves out of balance. The more intense or severe our choices, the more out of balance we feel. Balance must be maintained (it is our natural state), so when we resist balance it takes effort.
When it is extreme, SISU is necessary. SISU is the opposite of balance. We can choose to lean in, leverage SISU and push through or adapt our choices to re-establish balance. I remind you that SISU is a “short term” option. It is not sustainable. Then, there are circumstances that can interfere with our plans. Circumstances are thrust upon us. We don’t have control over when or how they occur, we just react to them. They can throw us off balance quickly.
We might have consensus around a great plan to achieve a difficult goal, where everyone feels in balance and whammo!!!; a loss of a job, a flight cancellation, an unhappy spouse, an injury. Balance gets disrupted. Our goal hasn’t changed, but our circumstances have. You can reach for SISU and push through, like our triathlete. He ignored his girlfriend’s unhappiness (the change in circumstance), stayed focused on his goal, and he lost his girlfriend. He passively (or consciously) decided that the achievement of his goal was more important to him than his girlfriend’s happiness. He didn’t try to find a new balance.
What’s the alternative? We can adapt to the new circumstances, adjust our goal, and re-establish balance. We can keep moving toward our goal or abandon it, whatever the re-established balance looks like. Balance must be maintained. If we don’t find balance, we invite loss, exhaustion and burnout.
“Man is the only animal that must be encouraged to live.”- Nietzsche
Balance is what keeps us healthy. SISU is for survival. I encourage you to find balance wherever you are, right now. Take a moment to evaluate your life and see if anything needs to be adjusted to level things out. Perhaps you have a challenging goal that will require focus for a while. You might need to grab hold of some SISU to get through it. Remember that balance is not something you will find someday. Balance is what you make it, right now.